Franklin & Marshall College Franklin & Marshall College

Herbert Hoover

by Alex Hartline '13

Take a look at Herbert Hoover.  Pudgy.  Pasty.  Dopey middle-part.  Now think of his legacy.  Tough enforcer of Prohibition (lame).  Unable to turn around the economy. Homeless people name shantytowns after him!  

The guy was and is a joke.  

But he tried…he really tried!  He commissioned public works projects—that wasn't just FDR's thing!  He cut tons of government waste.  Yet, he was (practically) a political pariah.  

You're probably wondering how this qualifies a man for a presidential Hunger Games victory.  Let me paint you a picture.  FDR rolls into office (no pun intended).  His first hundred days are electrifying.  The nation loves him!  "Oh man, this guy rules!  So much better than that last dude.  What was his name again?  Hooper?  Whatever, that guy truly sucked anyway! LOL."

Somewhere Hoover is sitting alone in a dark room, murmuring to himself.  He papers his walls with pictures of FDR. He eats only raw meat.  He sleeps during the day and hunts at night.  Yes, I am giving Herbert Hoover my vote because I believe he will be the most insane.  

He has been pushed to the edge, and there is no turning back, baby!  Next time you see Hoover, he'll be—oh wait, you won't see him, because he will be naked, lying face-down in mud waiting to strangle George Bush Sr. The guy has something to prove to the world, and the Hunger Games will be his stage to do just that. (See CarrieEvilspeakRambo, Full Metal Jacket... sort of...)           

  • alex hartline